Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
