just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
