I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
