Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
