I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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