I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
