I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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