a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
