My room smells like vodka and shame
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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