Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
