a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Everything about him screamed your future.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I did not marry a roomba.
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