I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
