you guys were way drunker than both of me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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