we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think my moral compass just broke
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