I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
