remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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