What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
