ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
