my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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