i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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