got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
