haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
