sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
