I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Randomize
