That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Found your dick twin last night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
