I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize