Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Green mimosas i think yes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize