Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
