i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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