SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
