Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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