im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just invented taco cereal.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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