Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
