walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
