if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
