She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
