as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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