Can i not drive my cunt home
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
