he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
