she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
