apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize