The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
