If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
