I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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