I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Barsexuality is the new black.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
