just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
