I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
