he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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