If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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