I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize