her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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