just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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