I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
