I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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