Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize