yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
