i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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