I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
